DEAR HAEMOANON

Unwanted Ashen Proposal?

Soo my best hatefriend and I have been flirting oon and oof pitch for years and basically theres this oother girl I've alsoo been palecrushing oon moore recently and loong stoory shoort I thoought I had a chance until she tried too proopoose ashen? With me and my friend? Which, fuck, I doon't want a middle leaf, at all? And we're noot even serioous aboout the pitch thing? My hatefriend already HAS a kismesis they tootally looathe and we oonly started pitchflirting because it annoyed him but noow this girl (and she is the diamoond oof my eye hooly shit) thinks it's like actual pitch infidelity and wants to mediate? Hoow do I turn her doown withoout making it weird and risking my chances?!

--crushing and coonfused

THE BIG QUESTION IS THIS: DOES IT SEEM LIKE SHE'S LEANING ASHEN BECAUSE OF THE HATEFLIRTING, OR BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY HATES *YOU*?

IF IT FEELS LIKE IT'S THE FORMER, MY PERSONAL RECOMMENDATION WOULD BE TO GO WITH IT, TONE DOWN THE PITCH BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, AND THEN SEE IF YOU CAN GET HER TO FLIP PALE. THERE'S A SOLID CHANCE SHE'S PALE BACK, AND HER ATTEMPTS TO MEDDLE IN YOUR FAUX HATEFLIRTING WERE JUST A SUBLIMATION OF HER TRUE CONCILIATORY FEELINGS FOR YOU.

HOWEVER, IF THIS IS A GENUINE QUADRANT MISMATCH, I'D SAY IT'S OVER FOR YOU. FLIPPING PALE FROM ASHEN ISN'T AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS, AND IT RUNS THE RISK OF INFIDELITY, TOO -- SHE MIGHT ALREADY HAD A MOIRAIL OR A CRUSH ON SOMEONE ELSE, OR THAT SUBLIMATED PALENESS COULD BE FOR YOUR FRIEND, AND NOT YOU. PLUS, IF YOU TRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND THE SPARK ISN'T THERE, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

IT ALSO MIGHT BE WORTH CHECKING IN WITH YOUR FRIEND TO BE SURE YOUR PITCH-FLIRTING IS ACTUALLY ENTIRELY PLATONIC -- SURE, YOU SAID THEY'RE USING YOU TO FUCK WITH THEIR KISMESIS, BUT HOW FAR DOES THE FLIRTING GO? IF YOU'RE LITERALLY HATESNOGGING JUST TO "ANNOY HIM", YOUR FRIEND'S CONCERNS ARE VALID, AND YOU PROBABLY COULD USE AN AUSPICE. IT COULD BE SOMETHING LIKE OUT OF "IN WHICH A PAIR OF BICKERING LOWBLOOD CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ARE MISTAKEN FOR PITCH BY A STEREOTYPICAL FUSSY TEAL AT A TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE OFFICE PARTY [ETC]" -- THIS MIGHT VERY WELL BE SERENDIPITY AT WORK!

TO MAKE A LONG RESPONSE SHORT: IF YOU'RE COOL WITH ENDING UP ASHEN, PLAY ALONG. IF YOU'RE NOT, MAKE IT CLEAR THE HATEFLIRTING WAS PLATONIC, TROLL UP, AND DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT.

Kismesis keeps killing my FLARP coplayers?

I've been a FLARPER For years, but lately it's gotten really hard to Find new partners to roleplay with because my kismesis keeps killing them! We've been at odds for halF a sweep, and I KNOW he's doing it just to get my goat, but ughghg! I keep having to make new signup accounts on FLARPFinder because oF him, and it's suuuuuch a pain (I've been banned For multiaccounting like twice.) Any advice For getting him to knock it oFF?

--still looking For coplayers

OKAY, FIRST OFF, IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR KISMESIS TO KILL YOUR COPLAYERS, WHY THE HELL IS HE IN THE GAME?

THAT ASIDE, THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE TWO THINGS.

YOUR KISMESIS IS DOING SOMETHING PERFECTLY NATURAL FOR A KISMESIS TO DO: PISSING YOU OFF. HIS ABILITY TO INCONVENIENCE YOU BY FORCING YOU TO MAKE NEW FLARPFINDER ACCOUNTS AND ANNOYING YOU DURING GAMES IS PART OF WHAT MAKES A KISMESSITUDE WORK. IF YOU'RE ASKING ME ABOUT THIS AS A SERIOUS REQUEST, AND NOT JUST BITCHING ABOUT YOUR HATEMATE DOING COMPLETELY NORMAL PITCH SHIT, THEN THE PROBLEMS HERE ARE DEEPER THAN JUST HIM SCREWING WITH YOUR CRAZY-ASS GIRL GAMES.

IF YOU SERIOUSLY WANT HIM TO STOP, EITHER MAKE IT CLEAR YOU CONSIDER THE MURDER OF YOUR FLARP COPLAYERS OFF-LIMITS FOR HATEFLIRTING, OR CONSIDER DUMPING HIM AND STICKING TO LESS HARDCORE QUADRANTS. MAYBE FLIPPING OVER TO REDROM IS MORE YOUR SPEED?

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU *ARE* JUST SENDING THIS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF ACTUALLY CHANGING, FUCK YOU. I'M OFFERING THE BENEFIT OF DOUBT, BUT YOU'RE TAKING UP VALUABLE SPACE THAT COULD BE FILLED BY SOMEONE ELSE'S EQUALLY INANE BUT INFINITELY MORE SOLVABLE PROBLEMS.

Going from pale to flushed?

WOW. TALK ABOUT DESPERATION! IS THAT YOU, [Name Redacted --Ed.]? BECAUSE IF IT IS, THEN WOW, I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT YOU FONDLING YOUR FUCKING BULGE, YOU PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE.

ANYWAY, THIS IS CLEARLY A CASE FOR PATIENCE. OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE FLIPPING FLUSHED, AND SHE'S STILL STUCK PALE FOR YOU. IF SHE'S GOING TO JOIN YOU, SHE'LL DO IT ON HER OWN INITIATIVE -- TRYING TO FORCE IT WON'T HELP.

YOU MIGHT ALSO WANT TO CONSIDER THAT QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A COMMON AND NATURAL EVENT IN MANY RELATIONSHIPS, ESPECIALLY IN NEIGHBORING QUADRANTS ON THE CHART, AND WHILE MOST PEOPLE FIXATE ON FLUSH/PITCH VACILLATION, FLUSH/PALE ISN'T UNHEARD OF EITHER. IF YOU CAME INTO THE RELATIONSHIP PALE AND THEN STARTED FEELING FLUSHED, IT MIGHT JUST BE TEMPORARY, AND YOU COULD TRY WAITING IT OUT. OR, YOU KNOW, GETTING A MATESPRIT INSTEAD OF BEING A SAD ONE-QUADRANTED CHUMP.

THAT SAID, IF YOU ENTERED THE RELATIONSHIP PLANNING TO TURN SHIT FLUSHED THE WHOLE TIME, YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE HER. SHE PUTS UP WITH ENOUGH OF YOUR SOGGY GARBAGE AS YOUR MOIRAIL, BUT IF SHE'S NOT INTO YOU LIKE THAT, NO AMOUNT OF DIAMONDY TRUST AND BONDING IS GOING TO FIX A RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON FALSE INTENTIONS.

AND FINALLY: SERENDIPITY ISN'T A SCIENCE, BUT IF YOU'RE REALLY HOPING TO MOVE THINGS ALONG, MAYBE DON'T TRY TO USE A PUBLIC ADVICE COLUMN AS A MESSAGING BOARD. I HOPE [Name Also Redacted --Ed] READS THIS TOO, SO SHE CAN FINALLY STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE *NOT* AN ABSOLUTE FISHY NOOKWEED.