Fandom: Golden Sun
Length: 7.9k
Chapters: 3/? (Last updated: do you really want to know?)
Tags: Star Wars Parody Script Format Crack Originally Posted On Fanfiction.Net

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Chapter 1: ACT 3



I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, I make no monetary profit [only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained] from writing this, and this is not canon. Just in case you wondered about any of that.

[A speeder pulls up to Obi-Wan's little home...]

Isaac: [Glances at the map] Guys... did we go the wrong way?

Sheba: [Glancing over his shoulder] Nope. You're holding the map upside-down. Seriously, can you even read a map?

Isaac: Er...

Mia: Well no wonder we kept getting lost in Angara! Honestly, why didn't you just hand the map to Garet, or Ivan, or... or me!

Isaac: [Completely red in the face]

[Kraden bursts out of the tiny building]

Kraden: Hello! Here already? I could have sworn my script mentioned a fight with the Sand People, in which I was meant to help you by fighting off one of them, and - my goodness, why are there four of you?

Isaac:... There aren't.

Kraden: No, no, no - there are only supposed to be three of you! What in Weyard is Ivan doing with you lot; his cue is much later, by a dozen chapters at least!

Ivan: Cloak. [Nothing happens] Cloak! [Still nothing. He glances up.] Oh... too sunny. Darn.

Kraden: He'll have to leave, I'm afraid. Can't have four people here. I'm sure the author will agree.

[A large banner drops on Kraden's head, reading "Leave the fourth wall alone, please"]

Kraden: Oh! Well, that's a problem, now isn't it! There aren't supposed to be four people here, and yet there are. And I can't get help, either... very much a problem.

Ivan: Hey, maybe you could let me stay? It wouldn't mess up the story that much, would it? I promise not to get in the way or anything!

Sheba: You sound like one of Felix's djinn.

Ivan: Do not! Anyway, please won't you let me stay? It's supposed to be a parody anyway, so what if it doesn't match the original?

Kraden: Ah, it seems you have a rather valid point. Isaac, are you okay with him coming along?

Isaac: Yes. [A moment's pause] Wow, deja vu. Anyway, let's get on with this.

Kraden: Ah, yes! I have this. [He hands Isaac the Gaia Blade.] It belonged... to your father.

Isaac: What?

Kraden: [whispering] It's part of the story.

Isaac: Oh. Okay...

Ivan: It's not a laser?

Kraden: Well... no. That wouldn't make much sense, now would it?

[Awkward silence. Sheba wisely chooses not to explain lightsabers to him or poke holes in his inconsistency.]

Sheba: WELL, I guess we should be going then! Come on now!

Kraden: [Nods] Yes. I'll come with you.

Sheba: [Murmuring] Not again...

Isaac: C'mon! I heard there's an inn at the nearest town... with some pilots, too!

[Firedjinn's secret lair]

Firedjinn: Felix, you realize you'll have to do something in this fic, right?

Felix: Like what? And... did you just break the fourth wall by having a chapter here?

Firedjinn: I'm explicitly mentioning this is in Author-land. That's somewhere else, not part of the story, so we aren't breaking the fourth wall. Just standing next to it. From the other side.

Felix: I think I lost track of that metaphor after the "Author-land" part.

Piers: [Flipping through the script] Wait... I shoot Greedo first? What kind of immoral creature do you take me for?

Felix: I'd do it. If I had to.

Piers: Well, I wouldn't. Bounty hunter or no...

Firedjinn: Hmm... [gasps] I have an idea!

Piers: Oh dear... [shakes his head]... that can't be good...

Firedjinn: Right! Piers, Felix - you switch roles!

Felix: Wha-

Piers: Didn't Felix quit?

Firedjinn: Well, to clarify: Felix is now playing Han Solo, and Piers can be... um... some side character. Details later. [Han Solo's script appears in Felix's hands]

Felix: Huh... [skims through it] ... Okay. You've got a deal. [pauses] But do I really have to share a room with Garet in a Wookie costume?

[Tatooine. A speeder cruise towards the Mos Eisley spaceport, flying low and encumbered due to the weight of five people.]

Kraden: We're almost hee-erre!

Mia: Well... aren't you cheerful.

Ivan: Twenty-three waters of life on a wall, twenty-three waters of life! If one of those bottles should happen to fall - [Sheba zaps him] - Ow... There'd be... twenty-two... waters of l- [Zapped again] Fine, fine!

Mia: You all right? [Sheba glares at her] You still zapped him. That's gotta hurt!

Sheba: [Rolls eyes, sighs dramatically] I just wa - Hey, I did NOT sigh "dramatically"!

[A strange nigh-invisible wall in front of Sheba splinters and cracks]

Sheba: Great. Visual puns.

Isaac: I'd ignore that wall if I were you... just pretend like it's not there, okay?

Ivan: Yeah... I think it's the fourth wall.

[The speeder cruises into the edge of the spaceport. Kraden somehow parks it in an impossibly small space and everyone climbs out over the surrounding vehicles and to the ground.]

Isaac: I guess we should get going...

Kraden: Well, come along then! Plenty to see! Just hope no bounty hunters have heard of you lot [gestures to Mia, Sheba, and Ivan] and you'll be fine!

Ivan: Why me? I'm not even a main character in this story... I think.

Kraden: Well, maybe not you. But they'll be wondering where you came from, at the least, and if they -

Sheba: We get it.

[The little band wanders out into the chaos of Mos Eisley's general surrounding area. A stormtrooper appears at the edges of the crowd and spots them instantly.]

Menardi: Hey, aren't you the-

Kraden: These are not the droids you are looking for. Move along.

Menardi: Huh?

Kraden: These are not the droids you are loo-

Menardi: Let me see them. Now!

Mia: Uh...

Sheba: Eh heh... uh-oh.

Menardi: [Whispering something incomprehensible into a radio transmitter. Well, not really radio, but let's call it that for now.]

Isaac: [To Kraden] That was supposed to make her leave, wasn't it.

Kraden: Well... ah... to put it in very simplified wording and with as much brevity as possible...

Sheba: Just spit it out.

Kraden: Er... Yes.

Isaac: Yep. We're screwed.

[In the bar which Isaac and co. still have yet to reach...]

Felix: When do you think they'll be here?

Garet: [Funny roaring noises]

Felix: Um... Eroooowuouwwrourw?

Garet: Eroouuwuouwwrourw.

Felix: [Facepalm] I give up.


Sheba: Review are always nice... especially when mind-tricks don't work.

Kraden: You will review this story... you will post feedback... you will review this story... you will post feedback

Firedjinn: o_o


I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, I make no monetary profit [only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained!] from writing this, and this is not canon. Just in case you wondered about any of that.

Oh, and another thing - I don't speak Wookie. If I completely mangled the language here [or my approximation of it], and you notice, you are welcome to correct me. Just please be nice.

Note: Dialogue in {curly brackets} is telepathic communication.

Karst: [Over radio] Wait.. so you actually didn't... the mind-tricky-stuff didn't affect you?

Menardi: Mind-tricky-what?

Isaac: [Mumbling] Jedi mind-tricks...

Menardi: Umm... thanks?

Isaac: No prob. I guess...

Menardi: [Resumes ignoring him] Yes, it didn't affect me.

Karst: Well, yay for you, Sis! Just wish it was me, then I could broil Isaac's- [Message is suddenly cut off.]

Menardi: What was that for?

Isaac: [Shrugs] Something about the rating system.

Menardi: Right... get over here!

Ivan: Run!

Mia: What?

[Kraden takes off after Ivan, in clear agreement. Isaac and Mia join them. The group hurries into the Mos Eisley Cantina. Loud music plays as if welcoming them, but no one pays the odd party any mind. They have other things to worry about besides some overly talkative old guy, two droids, and a couple of kids.]

Isaac: So, should we-

[Strange voices filter across the fourth wall]

Firedjinn: Well, Darth Saturos, if you actually burnt all the scripts on the ship...

Saturos: Menardi did it!

Menardi: [Over radio] Did not! It was him!

Saturos: Well -

Firedjinn: And you insist on taking up excess space in the story, and claimed to be more awesome than anyone else in this fic - it took me HOURS to delete all that ranting, you know! Not to mention what future me'll have to do for the sake of anonym-

Saturos: I never said that stuff! KARST DID IT!

Firedjinn: I heard you. And you said it. Karst was locked a closet making death threats at the time. [Notices that Isaac, Mia, Ivan, Sheba, and Kraden are all listening.] Okay, it was a weird long story which I don't have time for in one chapter; don't ask.

Saturos: Well, I still can't be fired!

Firedjinn: Only because I don't want to fire you yet.

Saturos: Ah, so you can fire me... but you don't want to. I'm cooler than I thought!

Firedjinn: BUT I have my significant reasons to keep you in this story.

Saturos: Those being?

Firedjinn: I really could use someone to play Greedo.

Saturos: Who?

Firedjinn: Um... it's only a few lines. But soon, really soon! I just need to close the interdimensional portal first - can't give the protagonists any spoilers!

[The strange link through the fourth wall closes, and the cantina music and chatter takes its place once more.]

Ivan: Hmm...

Isaac: Hey, guys... Felix is right over...

[Felix is nowhere to be seen]

Isaac: ... there? Where'd he go?

[Isaac earns a collective shrug from the rest of the party.]

Isaac: Felix? Garet? Guys?

Garet: Arrouhwuuh!

Mia: ...Garet? Are you alright?

Garet: Awoou-woa.

Mia: Um...

Ivan: I'm guessing that's Wookie speech. [Uses Mind Read] Yep. He says he's just fine.

Felix: So you need a pilot? I'd say Piers is best for that...

Sheba: I doubt he's forgotten that time we crashed the Lemurian ship into a lighthouse...

Isaac: Wait, what?

Sheba: Jupiter Lighthouse. Long story; don't ask.

Felix: It wasn't my fault... [Sheba glares] Well, okay...sort of, but... [trails off, mumbling]

[Awkward pause.]


Felix: Huh?

Garet: Awaaaogh - what? [Yanks off Wookie mask] Kay, what are you-

Kay: [Stilted reading from script] We don't serve their kind in here! [points to Mia and Sheba] They'll have to go outside!

Mia: Is that supposed to be... sexist or something?

Kay: Uh...ah... [Frantically re-reads the script in silence] It's actually because... you two are playing... droids, right? The bar doesn't allow droids. And - hey, what's this about a lightsaber fight?

[A hooded figure waves at the group and suddenly throws a sword at Isaac.]

Isaac: What the- [dodges the sword] What was that all about?!

Mia: [Smashes the intruder over the head with the Tungsten Mace which she pulled out of nowhere] ALEX!

Alex: Um... [Looks very sheepish now as he realizes what's going on. And that he's probably drunk, too.]

Mia: Get. Out. Of. This. Cantina.

Alex: [Runs for his life from the raging, very scary-looking Mia]

Mia: Better?

Isaac: I guess... [glances at the mace rather nervously]

Mia: Good.

Kay: I... uh... I... [sighs] Okay, forget the story for a sec. Who is that guy and WHAT is he doing here?!

Ivan: Er... I'm with them.

Sheba: [Facepalm] That's really the best explanation you could think of?

Ivan: Does it work?

Kay:... ... ...

Ivan: {What is she doing?}

Kay: ... ... ... [glances at script, then back at Ivan, then back at script] ... ... ...

Sheba: {I have no idea. Mind Read?}

Kay: ... ... ...

Ivan: {Sure.}

Kay: Right, you get one chance. I'll pretend I didn't see you here. But if you get caught again, no guarantees.

Sheba: {Scratch that.}

Ivan: {Alright.}

Kay: Well?

Ivan: {I said yes.}

Kay: Are you even listening?

Ivan: {Yes!}


Ivan: {But I said-}

Sheba: [Rolls eyes, taps head] {She can't hear mind-speech, idiot!}

Ivan: Ah... yes. Sorry. [Scurries off] Be back in the next scene!

Isaac: Er... how?

Ivan: PLOT HOLE! [Leaves stage]


Kay: So... uh...drinks?


Firedjinn: I'm sure you all get it by now, but please review!

End Notes:
... and here's where I stopped writing. If you made it to the end, I commend you. Hopefully you got a good laugh out of it, at least.
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