Fandom: Golden Sun
Length: 7.9k
Chapters: 3/? (Last updated: do you really want to know?)
Tags: Star Wars Parody Script Format Crack Originally Posted On Fanfiction.Net

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Chapter 1: ACT 2



I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars! I'm not sure if I even own the name of this fanfic! This isn't canon and shouldn't be treated like it; I make no profit here except personal enjoyment and the fuzzy feeling of reading a positive review!

[Aboard the Alchemy Star - Interrogation Cell.]


Firedjinn: Karst? What are you doing here?

Karst: What's it look like?! Tea with the princess?!

Firedjinn: Umm... yes?

Karst: [Looks down at tea tray nearby] No.

Firedjinn: Umm... so... aren't you supposed to be one of the Emperor's guards, not an interrogation officer?

Karst: Your point?

Saturos: A-HEM!

Karst: What.

Firedjinn: So as the Emperor's Guard, shouldn't you be, y'know, guarding the emperor?

Karst: Alex? Are you kidding?!

Firedjinn: Darth Va- *koff koff* I mean, Darth Saturos and Puelle - Moff Tarkin, whatever - are supposed to be interrogating the princess. Not you.

Karst: Do I look like I care? Anyway, interrogation is FUN! I get to torture people!

Saturos: Move aside, I wanna try!

Karst: No way! She's MINE! [Shoots fire in his face]

Firedjinn: Eep! Um... guys, stop it! Don't make me use my magic author powers on you!

Karst: [Tries to set the author on fire and is suddenly teleported to the bathrooms several floors below]

Saturos: Finally... so one more time. WHERE IS THE REBEL BASE?!

Jenna: [Spits a tiny magma-ball in his face]

[Saturos screams like a two-year-old girl.]

Saturos: Hmm...hey, um... doesn't this ship have some kind of world-destroying laser on it?

Firedjinn: Ye-eeessss...?

Saturos: [To Jenna] What's your home planet?

Firedjinn: Yes... he's following the script for once...!

Jenna: Um... [Sit there thinking for about ten seconds]... Valederaan.

Saturos: Lock the targeting on the planet Valederaan... No, no, that's VAULTOOINE! I said VALEDERAAN! Alright, little closer... bit to the left... there!

Jenna: What are you doing?!

Saturos: Tell us where it is... or we blow up Valederaan. You have fifteen seconds.

[CREW]: Laser activation in 14... 13... 12... 11...

Firedjinn: You're supposed to tell him, y'know.

Jenna: Why?

[CREW]:.. 9... 8... 7...

Firedjinn: Your home planet's about to be destroyed. You HAVE to tell him.

Jenna: Uh... no I don't.

[CREW]: 6... 5... 4...

Firedjinn: Just come on... PLEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE...

Jenna: Oh, fine! I'll tell!

[Countdown pauses.]

Jenna: It's on... it's on... um...

Saturos: Do I need to restart the countdown?

Jenna: Umm... Firedjinn?

Firedjinn: Yeah?

Jenna: I forgot where it is.

Firedjinn + Saturos: [Facepalm]

Saturos: How did you forget that...?

Firedjinn: You're not kidding?

Jenna: Nope. I really forgot. But... [Evil twinkle]... Firedjinn knows. Why don't you ask them? Where's their home planet?

Firedjinn: The rebel base is on... er... [blushes furiously]

Jenna: What?!

Firedjinn: Just a sec... agh... oh, yeah! Now I remember!

Jenna: [sighs] What is it?

Firedjinn: Vaultooine.


Jenna: What?

[CREW]: 3... 2... 1... BOOM! [Exchanging high-fives]


Jenna: Woo-hoo! BIG BA-BOOM!

Firedjinn: Wha - Jenna! You're supposed to be the stoic, defiant princess watching in solemn silence as your home is turned to flames in space...

Jenna: Hey, it's not Vale! And I like exploding things! WOOO!

Firedjinn: Would you rather he blew up... Vale? Or New Vale?

Jenna: [Sweatdrop] Um... no sir!

Firedjinn: That's good... 'sir'... I like that...

Jenna: [Staring out the window] So pretty... like when I burn Felix's cape...

Firedjinn: Didn't you have a script?

Jenna: I burned it.

Firedjinn: YOU WHAT?!

Jenna: So did the Proxians. I think Saturos kept his for 'villainous inspiration' or something, though... and Sheba left hers outside the escape pod.

Firedjinn: Great... just great...


PLEASE REVIEW! I'd love some more feedback!

Isaac: Yeah, the author really seems to like it... maybe a little to much...

Firedjinn: Shut up.

Isaac: O-o;;; Okaaay... ?



I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars, nor am I making any (monetary) profit(s) from writing silly stories about them and posting them online where ANYONE can read them. In case you don't quite understand how fanfiction works, this is NOT canon and should not be TREATED like canon. Thank you for reading!

I'm not really a Mudshipper or a Valeshipper. I try to be kinda neutral, and the same with my fanfics. Mia's inexplicable infatuation with Isaac here is not my idea but rather her erratic behavior as a muse, and inspired by the work of a Midnight C (?) story on a different archive. Which, to be fair, was the inspiration for most of this fic in the first place.

And yes, I am aware that Princess Leia's hologram was originally blue. However, Jenna is a Mars Adept so I changed it to suit her element. She may or may not have threatened me (in muse form) to Serpent Fume my head if I left the hologram blue.

[On a small farm on Vaultooine]

Isaac: Hey, I see 'em!

Jawas: [Hollering]

Sheba: [Opening one eye] What the...?

Mia: Isaac...? Wait-wait-wait, is that Isaac!? ISAAC-CHAN! IT'S ME, MIA!

Sheba: I thought this was a shipping-neutral fanfic.

Mia: I like Isaac! Is there something wrong with that?!

Sheba: Um.. you're a droid?

Mia: So?!

Sheba: Ugh... never mind.

Isaac: Cool, an astromech droid!

Sheba: Huh?

Mia: He means you, I think. [Sudden look of horror] Ack! He's not even looking at me! Isaac-chan, over here!

Sheba: Here we go again...

Kyle: Hmm, that R4 unit looks nice...

Sheba: Um... hey? Over here?

Kyle: So... what's that R4 gonna cost...?

Sheba: You... you dare ignore me? [begins shooting sparks]

[R4 unit begins shaking, then short-circuits due to Sheba's forming Destruct Ray]

Kyle: What... [turns to Jawas] ... you knew that thing was breaking down, didn't you? You were trying to scam me into buying some trash-pile of -

Isaac: Wait - there's an R2 over there! See, Dad? We could get that one instead.

Sheba: [Whispering] Yes!

Kyle: Fine... we'll take that one, and the red protocol droid.

Mia: R-red protocol droid?!

Red Protocol Droid: Oh, the joy! I am to be sold at last!

Mia: No! I'm supposed to be - my Isaac-chan is - I'm the droid he's supposed to buy!

RPD [Red Protocol Droid]: Excuse me?

Mia: [Creepy stare] I'll find a way to join them...

RPD: Er...

[Mia drags the Red Protocol Droid behind the Jawas' vehicle and grabs a bucket of red paint while Kyle and Isaac are distracted by haggle with Jawas over the price of both droids]

RPD: What- what are you doing?!

Mia: [Casts Frost]

RPD: [Frozen solid] Ng... ktktkt...

Mia: [Gulps, lifts bucket of paint] Why does it have to be red...? I could handle blue... I like blue... [steely expression] I have to! For ISAAC-CHAN! [Dumps paint all over herself]

[Mia emerges just as the Skywalkers notice their new droid is missing. Thankfully, Kyle's a tad short-sided and can't tell the difference between a red protocol droid and Mia doused in red paint.]

Kyle: Ah, there you are! What's your designation again?

Mia: Erm... Mia! I mean um... C-3PO! Or maybe Mia-3PO?

Kyle: Never mind, I'll just call you Mia. Isaac, grab the R2 unit, will ya?

Isaac: [Staring at Mia]

Kyle: ISAAC!

Isaac: Uh - Right, right! [Grabs Sheba... in just the wrong place...]

Sheba: [Zaps him... painfully. Kyle is oblivious.]

[At the farmhouse...]

Kyle: Oi, Isaac! I'm going out to the field. Auntie Dora's in the kitchen if you need anything, but before you go off with those crazy friends of yours...

Isaac: Aw...

Kyle: ... I need you to clean up and fix those two droids. I don't want one breaking down like that R4, and you know those Jawas'll do almost anything to sell stuff.

Isaac: Okay... [grumbles]

Kyle: Good! See ya soon! [leaves]

Isaac: What... is this...? [rubs the holo-projector with a cleaning cloth]

Mia: [Waits until Isaac isn't looking and silently moves behind him]

Isaac: Hm...

Mia: [Whispering] Hello... Isaac...

Isaac: GAH! [Jumps up and turns to see Mia] What the heck?!

Sheba: [Using mind-speech] Mia... he's supposed to be checking the holo-projector and finding that message from Jenna!


Sheba: [Cringes]

Mia: There is no way in Hel I'm helping him get that message!

Sheba: Mia!

Isaac: [Backing slowly away from the two droids] Um... Dora...?

Sheba: I've gotta do everything myself, don't I?! [Switches projector on]

[A shimmery red hologram appears, showing Princess Jenna. See above note if you're wondering about the color.]

Jenna's Hologram: Get over here and help me out, Felix.

Felix's Hologram: [In the background] Felix Kenobi!

Jenna's Hologram: Fine. Get over here and help me out, Felix Kenobi, or I'll roast your head.

Sheba, Mia and Isaac: O_o;;;

Jenna's Hologram: What? Was I too nice?

Firedjinn's Hologram: [Appearing in the background and tapping Jenna on the shoulder] Um...

Felix's Hologram: [Hiding behind Firedjinn] Sis... you're scary...

Firedjinn' Hologram: Don't you mean, 'you're my only hope'?

Jenna's Hologram: I mean what I say. If he doesn't get his butt over here AS SOON AS HE GETS THIS MESSAGE, I WILL seek him out so I can - [Rest of message is censored to remain within the K+ rating]

Felix's Hologram: Er... I'll just turn this off now...

[Hologram flickers out]

Isaac: [Staring at Sheba] Well that was weird. What's in there, anyw-

Sheba: [Zaps him. Hard.]

Isaac: Ow... [casts Potent Cure]

Sheba: [Glaring daggers at Isaac] Do not touch me there... EVER.

Isaac: Okay... [gulp] ... sorry?

Sheba: Good enough... [glares again] ... for now.

Mia: Hey, you leave my Isaac-chan alone!

Isaac: I-...Isaac-chan? Mia, what are you-

Mia: Um, I mean, Isaac! Just Isaac. Really!

Isaac: All right...

[Brief silence]

Sheba: So... do you know Felix Kenobi?


Jenna: Review this story, and I might just let these Proxians live!

Firedjinn: Jenna, shut up.

Jenna: But I'm one of your muses!

Firedjinn: And I can fire you.

Jenna: Ooh... fire!

Firedjinn: As in, make you not my muse anymore.

Jenna: But you need me for this fanfiction!

Firedjinn: Aargh... how do I get stuck with these muses?


I don't own Golden Sun or Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons, I make no monetary profit (only the joy of writing and the writing/comedy skills gained), and this is not canon.

Jenna: If you don't tell me where this cannon is really soon, I'll-

Firedjinn: As you can see, not everyone here even knows what canon IS...

This is not meant to be canon and (unless for some inexplicable reason both Camelot and Lucasfilm want to use this as a derivative work of some sort) it will never become canon. Please ignore any comments by my muses if they say otherwise.. Thank you!

Jenna: No, really! Firedjinn owns Golden Sun! [Holds up cartridge] See? And Star Wars, and Dungeons and Dragons! [Waves DVDs and DM's manual around]

Firedjinn: Ignore her, please. And... enjoy!

Alex: Why haven't I appeared yet?

Firedjinn: Shh! It's starting!

Felix: Hmph... all those parts, and I'm picked to be the crazy old hermit guy...

[Where we last left off with our heroes...]

Sheba: So... do you know Felix Kenobi? [Glances up] And what's with all the drama all of a sudden?

Firedjinn: A-HEM! Fourth wall?

Sheba: Right, right. Isaac?

Isaac: ... Wait - wait a sec. Felix Kenobi?

Mia: Weird, right? I haven't got a clue what she means. All through the desert, she kept babbling about some mission to find this person...

Isaac: I sort of know someone by that name... Garcia Kenobi, the crazy old hermit dude who lives in the canyon.

Sheba: Old?

Isaac: [Whispers] I'm trying to stay in character! [Normal voice] Yeah. Old.

Sheba: Guess it could be him...

Isaac: Let's go, then!

Mia: But... wait! [Glances at script] Aren't you... aren't you supposed to... Isaac-chan!

Isaac: [Already leaving]

Firedjinn: Has EVERYONE forgotten the script?! There's more to the message!

Mia: [Clears throat]

Firedjinn: Well, maybe not you, but -

[The room is already empty. The sound of a starting engine wafts into the quiet space...]

Mia: Hey, WAIT UP! [Chases the Speeder]

Isaac: Ack! Scary droid! [Speeds up]


Isaac: [Still accelerating] Eep!

Firedjinn: Why is this so familiar...?

Isaac: Heck if I know!

Mia: You won't... get... away from... ME! [Grabs on to the back of the speeder]

Isaac: Ahh! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoffgetitoff!

Mia: Isaac! ^_^

[Later, in the desert]

Isaac: Hmm... I think we're pretty close.

Sheba: So, have you ever actually been to his house?

Isaac: Weeellll...

Sheba: You haven't, have you.

Isaac: Nope, Never. But it can't be that much farther, can it?

[Speeder slows down]

Isaac: What-?

Mia: [Climbs into the back and pounces on Isaac] Isaac-chan!

Isaac: [Flailing and thrashing wildly] AGGH A SAND-PERSON GETITOFFGETITOFFGETIT-

Mia: It's just me, and I'm no 'it'!

Sheba: You did jump on him.

Mia: [Glances around] Oops... you're right. I'm sorry Isaac! [Smiles]

Isaac: [Looks up] Oh. Mia. You're still pretty scary. [Shivers]

Mia: [Glares]

Isaac: Um.. I mean - not scary! No, very nice, not scary at all! Please stop looking at me like that...

Mia: Apology accepted!

[A sand-person appears a short ways off, hiding.]

Sheba: Hey, um... guys?

[Isaac and Mia both ignore her]

Sheba: Guuuys...

[Still ignoring her. The sand-person readies their weapon.]


Isaac: Wait, what?!

[Sand-person throws something at them]

Mia: [Freezes the thrown object in midair. Isaac backs slowly away.]

Sand-person: [Unintelligible stuff muffled by mask]

Mia: I can't understand that...

Sheba: [Rolling her eyes] Aren't you supposed to be the hero, Isaac?

Isaac: [Hiding behind the speeder] Um... this is just taking cover!

Mia: [Freezes the sand-person] All clear!

[Isaac, Sheba, and Mia all creep over to the frozen sand-person.]

Sheba: Is it... dead? Mia?

Mia: I don't know, don't look at me! I just froze it!

Sand-person: [Grunts and twitches]

Sheba: Eek! [Jumps back]

Mia: [Uses Parch and somehow melts the ice and evaporates it]

Isaac: [Staring] How... when did you learn that?

Mia: Oh, I picked up a couple spells over time. You don't know everything I can do.

Sheba: [Quietly] You mean you learned it from Piers.

Isaac: [Not hearing her] Do you have any idea how much time we coulda saved if you used that earlier?! All those stupid Altin Mine puzzles and that flooded cave under Vault...!

Mia: I didn't know it then.

Isaac: [Facepalm]

[By now, the sand-person has already sat up and is watching them. It flails as if trying to say something, but flailing doesn't work very well.]

Sheba: What is that, DnD flavor text?

Firedjinn: [Offstage] Sheba, what did we agree about reading descriptive text on the page?

Sheba: Um... nothing?

Firedjinn: Oh, wait - wrong revision - anyway... I don't own DnD, okay! I really don't! Please don't sue! [Vanishes]

Sheba: Well that was weird... [Sand-person grabs her leg] Eep!

Sand-Person: [Clinging to Sheba's leg] MpphMFFFF mffMFFmffmff! Mmmm?

Sheba: Ugh... [Summoning up some Psynergy]... Whirlwind...

Sand-Person: MFF! [Gets blown away and crashes into a tree]

Sheba: Yeesh... annoying. [Lightbulb appears over her head] Wait, should we - hey, what's with the effects?

Firedjinn's Disembodied Voice: Hey, a little gentler on the fourth wall! I went offscreen to try and rebuild it, and now you're breaking it again!

Sheba: Says the one who's been breaking it since the first act.

Firedjinn: Well... can we stop breaking it now? Or at least keep it to a minimum? I know some people don't like all this wall-breaking business...

Isaac: Consider it done.

[Both girls give him an odd look]

Isaac: What?

Mia: Ah, nevermind.

Sheba: So... Firedjinn? [No response] Author...? Firedjinn?

[Long pause]

Sheba: Whoa. That weirdo really means it, huh?

Sand-Person: Does that mean we're without a narrator now?

Isaac: GACK! [Pause] Wait... what?

Mia: Ivan?

Ivan: Yep. [Grins]

Isaac: Why?

Ivan: The author wasn't letting me in to the story, so I let myself in as an extra. Do you mind?

Mia: Not really...

Isaac: Um... if we're done here, can we just get back into the speeder and keep going with the story?

[Everyone more or less agrees, and the four climb into the speeder. Isaac starts it up, and off they go...]

[In Firedjinn's imaginary room...]

Firedjinn: Hmm... not bad. Self-directed, mostly on-script. This might actually work.

Menardi: [Huffs] Well, I haven't gotten any screentime yet, so I wouldn't call it working.

Firedjinn: Hey, you get in soon enough! The stormtroopers show up around the Mos Eisley, and we're almost at Kenobi's place by now...

Felix: Yeah, about that...

Firedjinn: Don't tell me: you forgot your script, too. Or Jenna burned it.

Felix: I lost the costume.

Firedjinn: [Completely unsurprised] Yeah, go call Kraden. Tell him he's being moved up from understudy.

Felix: You got Kraden into the play?

Firedjinn: Yep. I mean, I had to find some outlet for him before he talked my ears off in here, so I gave him a minor role.

Kraden: [Somewhere in the background] Well, Jenna, the lightsaber are powered by special crystal, and the crystal are alternately called "lightsaber crystals" or Ilium crystals, most likely coming from the root mean "light" or, in a more familiar version of the word - for the english language, anyway - "Illuminate". Their name may also come from the place where they are found and harvested, which -

Jenna: All right, all right! Remind me not to ask you how lightsabers work again!

[Meanwhile, amongst Jawas... ]

Red Protocol Droid: [Sparking] Ah... I have suffered a great loss... my buyers have left without me!

R5 Unit: [Beeps and burbles]

RPD: No, I am NOT melodramatic!

Firedjinn: Reeeeeviiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww!

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